Individuality and emotional expression have always been something I have struggled
with. Being alone is something I was always afraid of because I would feel lost or without
purpose. Finding a purpose or meaning in others is what I found comfort in and it was very
evident throughout everything in my life. I would always just be sleeping and doing nothing
when I was not calling my friends or whenever I didn’t have a girlfriend to always confide with
or talk to. I would be what you call a follower but I was fine with being a follower because I
never had to make decisions or had to look for something to do myself. But with the comfort
came the worst part of it all the pain of when the people I follow aren’t there anymore or I lose
them and I end up alone. I am left to suffer the consequences of my own actions and not be able
to do anything about it. Not being comfortable with yourself is the worst as you feel like a
stranger to yourself. Not knowing what I enjoy doing or what I like. I was someone that never
truly showed how I felt about something or when I was sad I would bottle it up for as long as I
can. I never thought anyone was there to listen to me. Confiding with friends would probably
push them away or they will see it as a bother so I never found it plausible to express my
emotions with my friends even thought most likely it was fine. Opening up was something I
never did and it created alot of bad feelings. Mixed with the loneliness of not being able to be
independent it was hard.

I created co-dependence with whatever I came in contact with. I relied on everything but
myself. It was very evident in my writing as whenever I wrote a paper, I sounded completely like
a robot follow each guideline each rubric down to every word. I never showed any individuality
or any hint of my own voice because I didn’t have one or at least I didn’t believe I had one yet.
Figuring out how to be independent and expressing my emotions was not a short process. Many
events occurred that led to it and ill walk you guys through two major events in my life that
change everything. In order to truly find independence what I needed is the will to do things
myself. The first event that made me truly feel lonely and empty was when I lost all my friends
due to a fallout where the whole group split and that left me truly alone as my friends were my
everything. I relied on them to move on with my day, to decide what to do next, and something
to look forward to after school. When I no longer had that I fell into a slump where I would just
sleep constantly and I was miserable. I didn’t know what to do. I then stumbled upon a video and
in that video, it talked about getting active and a certain quote stuck with me and that quote was
“Time doesn’t wait for anyone.” I realized that I was wasting away in my bed so I got up and
decided to play some games alone for the first time. It was a new feeling but strangely it wasn’t a
foreign feeling. Maybe this whole time I was just afraid of being alone and never embracing just
having my own presence. I never accepted or listened to myself. I continued to play games alone
and I truly enjoyed it. I also went out to exercise a lot more and also watched shows. I started
developing hobbies and it was a completely new feeling. As time went on I started attracting
friends myself and this time I was the one leading.

The event that opened up my emotions was when my father got permanently hospitalized
because of Cancer and kidney failure. He relied heavily on me as my mom always worked, and
my brother is very young. I had to cover every job that my dad had which included paying the
bills, cooking, and taking care of my brother. All of this, on top of school really stressed me out.
I then received news that my dad would inevitably pass soon as his entire immune system can no
longer fight off the sicknesses. So one day when I did my daily visit, my dad sat me down and
asked if I was okay, and weirdly enough I wasn’t I then proceeded to break down crying as I
have been very stressed, and knowing that my dad won’t live till I grow up really hurt. I opened
up to my dad for the first time ever. The first person I ever opened up to actually and it felt really
nice. I realized that talking with emotion and talking about my emotions isn’t something to be
ashamed of. I have a voice and my dad helped me realize that by talking to me on a personal
level.

How this connects to who I am as a writer is that these experiences truly changed how I
wrote my papers. Along with the freedom in writing that I learned about when I got into college,
I started expressing myself more on my papers and was able to show my own colors and
individuality. I can confidently say that I am a writer that writes with emotion and individuality
through personal experiences.

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